i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
