I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
