you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
