I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
