White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
