Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Rumble strips road head = magical
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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