Got a toothbrush?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
