I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
