living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
