I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
