meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
