Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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