i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So squirting runs in the family.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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