I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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