Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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