Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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