is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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