is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
