Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
