my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
