The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
