On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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