Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
God I need to hump something, right now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
