Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
