There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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