In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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