so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
