I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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