I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
