I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
