I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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