I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
All I want is dick and wine.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
