2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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