you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
