just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
