he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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