Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
