I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
