Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
