the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
