In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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