Banned from zoo.
Again?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
