hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
