A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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