It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
