I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
