the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
