I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
