On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
