Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
