Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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