Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
