im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
