I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
